rushing down my cheek

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ScaredOfBeauty F33 2009-03-18 15:35	rushing down my cheek tears rushing down my cheek whats the point of returning to the place I've tryed so hard to avoid I don't want all the painful memories to return the voices inside of me trying to tell me what to do can't you get me out of here? just hug me until the end of time why can't you let me understand why can't you let me know you I don't want to know you if you are like this but... I want you here with me in the snow in the sand in the wind in my life don't leave me alone
Borttagen 2009-03-18 17:15	Getting poetical with it-huh? Cool. First thing about your poem that I can´t help but to notice is the title. It should be: "running down my cheek". And not "rushing", that´s incorrect. Apart from that, it was a so-so poem. You could have made it much more interesting with more detail and a more complex vocab. I´m not sure exactly what your ambition was, as far as what you wanted to convey with this piece. But my money is on a "broken heart" ? Correct? I would of liked to see you take it a little further, a longer verse perhaps? Explaining more, and telling more.. Unless you were going for the simple accessible approach? Stay up and keep writing. PEACE. Denna användare har skrivit alla inlägg där användaren har tagits bort från whoa.

2009-03-18 15:35

rushing down my cheek

tears rushing down my cheek
whats the point of returning
to the place I've tryed so hard to avoid
I don't want all the painful memories to return
the voices inside of me
trying to tell me what to do
can't you get me out of here?
just hug me until the end of time
why can't you let me understand
why can't you let me know you
I don't want to know you
if you are like this
but...
I want you here with me
in the snow
in the sand
in the wind
in my life
don't leave me alone

2009-03-18 17:15

Getting poetical with it-huh?

Cool. First thing about your poem that I can´t help but to notice is the title.

It should be: "running down my cheek". And not "rushing", that´s incorrect.

Apart from that, it was a so-so poem. You could have made it much more interesting with
more detail and a more complex vocab.

I´m not sure exactly what your ambition was,
as far as what you wanted to convey with this piece.

But my money is on a "broken heart" ? Correct?

I would of liked to see you take it a little further, a longer verse perhaps?
Explaining more, and telling more..

Unless you were going for the simple accessible approach?

Stay up and keep writing.
PEACE.

Denna användare har skrivit alla inlägg där användaren har tagits bort från whoa.

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