Tsun - Half the world away

grymt, kan inte klaga på nått!

thanks dude, har inte skrivit på länge och din åsikt är alltid uppskattad!
god jul från egypten btw, ciao!

Dope as usual.

Sweet!

två kommentarer, uppar faktiskt, förlåt snälla, den förtjänar några fler svar!

om det här är lyricism idag så har jag börjat halta, för de är när man läser sånt här som man påminns om att man själv borde skriva lite oftare..

Tyckte den var tvärr fet!!

aa skit fet verkligen :D

Tsun. You´re gassed up somethin awful. So lemme tell you what´s really crackin, aigh?


I see that you´re attempting to be deep and profound in your writing.
As well as verbal and poetic.

It´s just too bad that your flawed diction and usage of the english language isn´t up to par.
You don´t possess or have adequate knowledge of it.

And hence, many of your lines are strange, (not deep or subliminal), but strange.
And your words are maplaced.
Your sentences are malphrased, and much of the wording is wierd.
And also downright incorrect.

I really don´t get how you think that you´re nice whiddit??

Face it dawg, you´re a little small ass gold fish in an even smaller fishbowl.

Don´t let yer little lame ass dickriding buddies tell you anything else.


Quoting your verse and adding my comments to it:


"The the tone of her voice was different
Every word was strange
I asked her: What did I do to derserve this pain?
Looked straight into her eyes,"

Not very impressive at all or even interesting, but your poem isn´t grammatically incorrect
or wierd up until THIS point: (see last line above).

But it pretty much goes down hill after that:

"She could finally see what I meant with; It all hurts the same"

She could finally see what I meant "by", would have been a better wording, more correct.

"Fragile like she is, I could see tears on her perfect face"

Fragile as she is, or was, not: "like she is" That´s not english.

"It was to beautiful for it to be possible to turn away"

It was "too" beautiful, not to beautiful. Again, incorrect.

"- words slipped out
"Really make a commitment to your self and you will learn to change"

correct, but still not very interesting or deep.

Her voice turned normal but now appeared in another way, like a ghost

a voice doesn´t "turn" normal, it changes and "becomes" normal.
I.e, her voice "became" normal.

Saw right through her when she spoke; like the words came straight from her soul

this is one of your better lines, you´re actually saying something here.
But 1 single line doesn´t make up for the rest being garbage.

She said: I can do it
My heart spoke for it self;

Not completely incorrect, but this could of definitely been worded better.

Like: She said I can do it,
And my heart spoke on it´s own accord, or, my heart spoke on it´s own, etc.

You've got one last chance; but it takes a whole lifetime proove it.

This line wasn´t incorrect, that´s 2 lines so far. Not enough to make up even a very short decent poem.

And we both understood what life was all about, a moment of clarity; We just knew it.
I woke up half the world away, broken and useless.

These lines were ok too, I guess.. So you now have a total of 4 lines that are at least resembleing something half decent. Way to go!

And you said:

"Every word was strange"

hmmm, pretty much the same could be said about this piece.

Bazooka, Haha.

Tack marcis och indirekt!

"Bazooka, Haha"

Indeed.

Your poem IS a laughable matter. Lame and corny. To the point where it´s
a li´l comical. lol.

why should I listen to you?
I think you're whack as fuck.

Bazooka är grym.. och ne, jag hostar inte alls......

Den är fet, kort och bra rätt igenom... Saknar dock dina storytelling, va fan grejer det..

Tsun. You´re gassed up somethin awful.

guess it takes one to know one tho... ?

There you go, gettin yer li´l dickrider buddies to throw sum weak punches for ya.. LOL.

Ya´ll are sum corny ass noobs. Fall the fukk back.

cant you even spell it right without the "street talk" even when chatting in the comments?

NO! Marcis.

Don´t tell me that your life is SO meaningless that you take time out to sweat me about
the way I be spellin??

You pathetic ass noob.

Ayo, marcis! You little dickrider!

Wontchu drop a hot diss @ me instead of talkin that lame trash.

Oh, I forgot. YOU couldn´t spit hot, even If I fed you red hot coals!

LMAO!

Atleast that was better spelling this time...
Thanks for taking my advise in such a noble act...
Caus you do know actions speak louder then words? Right?

Bazookahjoe. Your'e " LMAO, LOl, NOOB" crap ass 14year old talkin shit.. Cut the crap and if you really want to beef with somebody then there's something called Guestbook. I think Tsun may appriciate it a bit more if you would do that... Stop writing here if it has none to do with the lyric above..

Och angående dig Tsun. Kör dina gamla storytelling igen, won'tcha? ;)

OMG HE SAID NOOB! Gangsta's don't talk that way. Are you white btw? If you are, I'm gonna laugh and laugh and laugh until I drop dead man. HAHAHAHA. And what country are you from?
Tsun ska skriva mer, jag lovar boys. Och ordentligt. Det här är skrivet på 3 timmar typ, ska ta mig tid och droppa iallafall så länge folk läser!

LOL @ Tsun actin like he know how gangstas talk.

And where do you get gangsta from?? Couse I´m spittin swagger?

You don´t know shit but 2 things: Haterism and plagiarism!

Are you white? and what country are you from?

Naah dude, I´m not white. Now get off my dick and quit sweatin me (no homo).

sämst

Sämst? Mäh

Har för mig att jag läst en del från dig way back in time... och de lilla jag minns från Tsun gjorde att jag gled in här och kika oxå.
Tycker du lägger upp det hyffsat här även om jag och min kassa engelska tyckte att de vart lite små jobbigt att läsa det.

Och snubben som alltid hatar är fett kass så han bryr ju sig väldigt många om.. ööö... hm..

aja... kul att se att de finns lite mer än en hand full som kan lägga ut lite vettigt shiet

BleSs

Tack bror, kolla, det kommer mera! :)

älskar hur du skriver;P grymt.. asså bazooka... jeez