Soul - stop the car, please.

Aigh, here I go..


That right there was decent! (I presume the verse is YOURS?),

This actually had a decent flow to it. Pretty consistent throughout the whole piece.

Choice of words was odd or off, in a few places. But overall this was on point.

You connected the bars well, for the most part, and you were telling a fairly detailed story.

I could digg it.
stay up.

And here go a break down of your bars.
(With comments, pointers, and suggestions for improovement):


"I got a sweeney todd lookin teeny bop with sharp teeth
bitin my neck as I try not to step on her large feet
she wants to head home but can't find her car keys
asks me to wait for her while she talks to the barkeep"

Wording good, flowed well. And the setup for the story/ verse, is on point.


"harsh weeks remedied by bacardi got me
understanding why george harrissons guitar weeps"

decent bar, only, to add another word rhyming with weeks and weeps would improove this
plenty.

Like this:

Harsh weeks remedied by Bacardi and a lotta sleep,
got me understanding, why George Harrison´s guitar weeps.

"see the stars peek through as I finish my drink beneath the marquis
and catch the back of a redhead vanishing down a dark street"

See this one right here, could have been phrased or worded better.
You can´t say "vanished down a dark street".
That´s an incorrect wording and usage of the word vanish.

You might say, a person vanished. (meaning disappear or fade away),
OR, vanished into thin air.

A suggestion:

I see the stars peek, thru the atmosphere.
As I finish my drink beneath the marquis.
My eye, catches the back of a red head,
disappearing down a dark street.

(in this context, "disappearing" is corrrect.
vanish is not)


"switch focus to the teeny bop while memories bombard me
and I see a similar leather jacket as HERS lyin there on the car seat"

This one was also incorrectly worded. I´da said it like this: (with some other improovements included).

Switchin focus to the teeny bop, while memories bombard me.
I see a jacket, similar to hers, lyin on the car seat.

THIS wording tightens up the flow and the execution of the bar.


"feels like she's within arms reach... don't know if it's motion sickness
or woes pricklin but I'm in no condition, stop the car, please...
don't barf, breathe.. breathe while your heart bleeds"

Your best bars. This one was on point, flowin, and worded well, all the way.
Likin this.



"from the wound that has yet to become a scar, gees...
where are we...? far away but not far enough
cus I'd still trade her for her in a heartbeat."

This was decent. Only, to add another word or two,
rhyming with weeks and weeps, would make it tighter.

Something like this:

From the wound that has yet to become a scar,
my lifeblood seeps.
Where are we..? Far away, but not far enough,see.
´Cuz I´d still trade her, for HER, in a heartbeat!

Like I said, stay up and do YOU.

GOWN.

wow, I actually got a comment.

I appreciate that you took the time to break it down and thoroughly examine each bar. and yes, it's mine.

I can see where you're right, but I gotta disagree on a few things. I tried to keep the same vowel rhymes through out my sixteens so adding "my life blood seeps" would mean deviating from that plan. and I also think you can say that someone you saw vanishing down a dark street.

and I see a similar leather jacket as hers lyin there on the carseat is not incorrectly worded. and though I appreciate your input, it's gotta be a leather jacket, not just a jacket.

but for, thank you for taking the time to reply. whoa seems to discriminate towards new names.

btw, no diss or nothing, but improvement is spelled with one o. it's a bad habit I have, spell checkin.

c'mon, shit was more than decent.
peace 'zookah.

Well, there´s decent, and then there´s DECENT.

Your verse was DECENT. And I did give you an exclamation point there too-didn´t I? lol.

´Course you´re right about "improvement", that was a typo. Good lookin out.
I hadn´t noticed it.


About the leather jacket line. It IS incorrect, and the wording IS wrong.

You can´t say: "similar as hers". it would be: similar "to" hers.

Ofcourse you could phrase and word it anyway you like, make it rhyme with any word you like etc.

But wether you put it in a slang form, or just phrase it a certain way.
You´ll still have to stay within the parameters of what´s actually english.

And I´m not trying to be a smart ass here, I´m only pointing these things out to you
becouse I see that you got potential.

And you´ll prolly learn and elevate more than some on here.
So these are just friendly advise.

I won´t change my opinion of the usage of the word "vanish".

But I won´t go to war with you about it. lol.
To each his own. No prob.

like I said, overall it was a DECENT drop. I was feelin it and I liked most of it.

Peace Silver.

about the leather jacket line, I'll have to double check that.

and when I'd comes to "vanishing down a dark street" I'll have to pull the artistic-expression card. using words to paint the picture more vividly and I think it adds to the feel that someone is actually gone.

I don't think you're trying to be a smart-ass, I think you do have some valid points and I will take them into consideration when I'm fine tuning it.

still, I appreciate you too the time to recognize and encourage someone elses potential.

and I like the exclamation point.

That´s whuz´ up. We good-good then.

we good.

kom igen, en till iaf?

Yo silver.

I got it figured. This verse was one of the best verses I´ve read on here,
(apart from yours truly).

And that´s also the reason why you haven´t got a lotta feed on this piece.

If your verse would have been on some lame dumb shit, I bet you would have got maad feed.

See, that´s what most heads like on here. Some Swenglish, dumbed down simple wack shit.

So the fact that you got SO little feed, is proof that your verse was pretty good.

Wierd huh? But that´s how shit works on here..

drop sum wack generic shit, then sit back and whatch how much feed you´ll get,
(a whole lot LOL).

Naah dude, just stay up. Don´t worry about headz feedin you, or not feedin you.

Just do YOU. And keep droppin regardless. Just Keep elevatin-ya digg?
PEACE.

haha, I see you're humble as usual 'zookah. but thank you. I really appreciate it.

I might drop something generic shit to appeal to whoa, like an Em single.

naw, but on the real, truth is I can't do that other shit. I can slip in a few punches here and there but braggadocio is not me. so I'ma take your advice and do me like masturbation.

it's funny how quickly you're becoming my favourite person on whoa. jus' playin.

keep it coming, joe.

peace

Positiv överaskning!

Detta gillades absolut. Gillar känslan över hela versen och ditt sätt att uttrycka dig och mål med orden. Snyggt med lite varierande rimschema här och där och jaaa...Vad skall man säga? Jag är inget fan av att ge långa kommentarer ala joe´s, men detta diggades.

Fortsätt droppa!

killer

Tack. ja, man kan ju inte förvänta sig att alla ska ta sig tiden att bryta ner varje rad.

c'mon people. en till?

sista.

Jag gillade den, sköönt flow på den och ett bra avslut :) orkar inte krossa rader osv just nu, keep up the good work

DMAt

haha, förståligt. tack så mycket, tack så mycket. I will.

en gång till.