[Veckans guldkorn] Soul - Trying To Bring It.

too concerned with brand names and logos now

little kids think it's ok to act loco now
and little chicks hopping dicks instead of pogos now

too many yes men make rap a no-no now
got a young dude feeling like he old folk now

we were taught to fight injustice but switched off it
and chose a life of cris bottles, ridiculous wrist watches
slick collars, thick wallets and tit models to lip lock with
being called big poppas like chris wallace

they still hustling, they just switched product
so how the fuck could they be expected to spit knowledge

va grymt, hela första versen va nog d bästa ja läst av dig! kul med fler som e grymma på engelska här inne, dapz!

Make way, i run your tracks to!! haha
riktigt nice skrivet och beskrivet!
skönt flow, kändes aldrig långdraget
keep up, kommentera gärna mina me..


peace

älskade andra versen, daamn. första oxå tung.

det enda jag tyckte lät lite weird va "switched off it", känns mer korrekt och mindre svengelskt att säga "switched it off" (men ja vet, rimmar inte då - vilka rader de rimmade på var dooope)


keep it up. inte sett någon bättre här på engelska. no doubt about it..

tack för all uppskattning. Shout out to spex som sällade med några quotes. Men vaffan, Ingen som digga min kidz in the hall punch?

"we were taught to fight injustice but switched off it
and chose a life of cris bottles, ridiculous wrist watches
slick collars, thick wallets and tit models to lip lock with
being called big poppas like chris wallace"

Riktigt fett...

Lika grymt som vanligt :D

okej, ja diggar dig, o tror inte du e fake... o brukar inte säga folk baitar o tror inte du gjort precis.. men lyssnade igen MMLP nyss, o hörde dehär i låten Marshall Mathers:

Double barrel twelve gauge bigger than Chris Wallace
........
get dollars that shoulda been their's like they switched wallets
And amidst all this Criss poppin and wristwatches

coincidence? anklagar inte... bara weird, hahha..

o yea, diggar fortfarande texten.

I see I´m not the only one that made this observation. (See quote above:)

A few pointers for you. This is no hate, just fair and honest feedback on the verse.
An honest feedback that I´ll help you elevate.

A few coincidents is perceivable, that could happend.
But again, and again, and again???

That´s NO coincident. This is basically Em´s verse, off his album: Marshal Mathers.

Not the first part of your verse, but the second verse after the hook is VERY similar to Em´s.

It´s almost like listening to Asher Roth and comparing him to Eminem.
The similarities in styles, concepts and subject matter, are TOO similar to be coincidental. And this isn´t original by a long shot.

It´ a lesser version of an Em verse.

Many of the same words are used, over and over. Only slightly rephrased,
a somewhat different wording with more or less the same context.

And the rhyme scheme, the subject matter, and also specific names are exactly the same!

This is GENERIC dude. Try to be original, don´t try to write a verse while you´re listening to your favourite rapper..

Especially if you don´t have that filter in your head that keeps you from re writing other rappers verses. And then thinking they are your own.

I´m not necessarily saying that all of this was intentional, but you did however manage to turn your verse into a lyrical medley of Eminem´s verse.


Em´s verse:
(the words and the names that you ALSO incorporated in YOUR verse, are in bold letters):

"Double barrel twelve gauge BIGGER than CHRIS WALLACE
Pissed off, cause Biggie and 'PAC just missed all this
Watchin all these cheap imitations GET RICH OFF ´EM
and get dollars that shoulda been there's like they SWITCHED WALLETS
And amidst all this CHRIST' poppin and WRISTWATCHES
I had to sit back and just watch and just GET NAUSEOUS
and walk around with an empty bottle of Remi Martin
startin shit like some 26-year-old skinny Cartman ("God damnit!")
I'm anti-Backstreet and Ricky Martin
with instincts to kill N'Sync, don't get me started
These fuckin brats can't sing and Britney's garbage
What's this bitch RETARDED? Gimme back my SIXteen DOLLARS"


And here´s YOUR verse:

"and chose a life of CHRIS(Em:christ´/same meaning) bottles, ridiculous WRIST WATCHES
slick collars, thick WALLETS and tit models to lip lock with
being called BIG poppas like CHRIS WALLACE."

And here, as in so many other parts of your verse. You take Em´s: Bigger than Chris Wallace", you change the words a little, but still use HIS concept, "Wallace" and "Big".

"AND GOT RICH OFF IT" /Em said: "Get rich off of ´em" very similar, AND you´re pretty much using the exact same concept as he did.

"throwing money around just to get spotted,
that shit's RETARDED especially when your cd barely cost SIX(teen) DOLLARS"

"they just SWITCHED product(Em:switched wallets).
so how the fuck could they be expected to spit knowledge
it’s just lean with it, rock with it, I try it and GET NAUSEOUS
and think no wonder heads are hell bent on proving PAC lives…"

Do you see what I mean silv´?

I´ve read some other pieces from you that was more original and better than this.
So I think you got it in you to elevate and write a better verse.

stay up.

zookah & Eighty.


visst är den lik marshall mathers. absolut. jag hade varit shockad om ingen hade märkt det. jag märkte det och det här är ju ett hiphop forum. dock så tycker jag väl inte att jag har baitat något. jag skrev den inte utifrån eminems vers. allting började från de två första raderna sen utvecklades den. jag läste igenom den flera gånger efter den var klar och var lite osäker på om jag skulle scrapa den eller inte. sen så tänkte jag fuck it, jag slänger upp den och kollar vad folk tycker. men visst är jag influerad av eminem, absolut.

den rad jag tyckte va mest lik dock är:

that shit's retarded especially when your cd barely cost six dollars

gentemot eminems:

What's this bitch retarded? Gimme back my sixteen dollars

den fick mig att helt klart att ifrågasätta hela versen.

jag tycker är nöjd med versen. visst stämmer temat med eminems tema men jag har flera verser med samma tema. det är utifrån mitt synsätt som den är skriven och inte baserat på någon annans. och som jag skrev tidigare så satt jag ju inte och skrev den med eminems låt som mall. klart att rim från andra rappare sitter i skallen.

plus så tycker väl jag att 'zookah överdrivet but I appreciate that you lookin after me. :-)

one.

what really bothers me though is being called generic. this verse is not generic. sure, I'm aware I got a bar or two similar to eminems verse on marshall mathers, I can acknowledge that. but does that make it generic? no. I got references in this verse that people don't get. noone recognizes the chris crocker reference, I guess noone listens to kidz in the hall. I got a theme about HIPHOP. I'm not at all concerned with boybands or latin lovers or pop sensations. and is it a coincidence I use pac or the word/rapper big in this verse? no. I started the rhyme with hiphopper. of course I need words that rhyme with that and fit the theme I'm going for. biggie and pac are regarded as some of the truest, how can I not name them? who hasn't named them?

again. I know that one or two bars that are similar. I recognize that and I'm not making excuses. I know the theme is similar. but it's the same theme as in the first verse. I didn't write it with em's verse in mind. maybe it was a mistake putting this verse here.

can we focus on the positives? if you don't like the second verse then comment on the first one. it's completely different, meaning it's rhyme is different.

peace people.

Well, thing is, it IS generic. (regarding the second verse).

You said:

"sure, I'm aware I got a bar or two similar to eminems verse on marshall mathers, I can acknowledge that. but does that make it generic?"

Yes. It does. First of all, it was plenty more than "a bar or two". (see my comments above).
As far as similarities, names, and actual words that were exactly the same.

And especially, if you´re deciding to rap about a topic that´s similar to a topic addressed in an Em verse, make sure you´re not saying the same things.

Don´t look at what he said to imitate it. Look at it to see how you can flip it different,
and be original.

You took an Eminem verse. "Borrowed" his concepts, rhyme schemes, lines, structure, etc.
You rephrased some things that he said. Using a different wording for some of them.
(But basically still saying the same things).

You added a few original concepts, together with some of your own bars/lines,
dispersed throughout the verse.

THAT´S GENERIC.


Don´t get me wrong, I LIKE Eminem. But I´d much rather listen to HIM spittin HIS verses.
Than some other cat, makin a medley out of Em´s rhymes and then adding some of his own material to it.

That´s not original in the least -where´s the creativity??

And can´t NO ONE spit Em style, like EM. So any attempts at it are going to seem pretty weak and way off point.

And as a writer, you should want to invite heads to YOUR world.
Introduce them to YOUR skillz. You´re soposed to wanna get them interested in YOUR flow, YOUR rhyme schemes, YOUR vocab, and YOUR steez. Don´t give people a watered down rendition of an Em verse. Ya digg?

That´s all I had to say about it.

You got some ability there.. I´ve seen you post some half decent verses on here.
Use that. Get on the ball and do YOU.

THAT´S how you elevate.
peace.

I respect your honesty, zookah, I do. And I know a lot of dudes hate on you but I've never been one of them. Therefore I wish you won't misinterpret this as well cus I'm so not out for e-beef. that shit is so lame.

you seem to think I listened to ems verse and then wrote my verse using his as a blueprint.
that's such an misinterpretation if I ever saw one. my entire verse evolved from the first two bars. I ain't even have ems verse in mind when I wrote it. I noticed it when I re-read it, especially the "that shit's retarded especially when your cd barely cost six dollars" but I've already been over this.

what's generic is talking guns gats drugs crack funds stack. that's what i feel is generic. I don't do that. I try to write something different whenever I get the feeling to pick up a pen. and i acknowledge the similarities but I think my verse is strong enough to stand alone.

if you regard "they still hustling they just switched product" to be biting "got money that should've been there like they switched wallets" then sure I bit that line word for word. I find it far fetched. and is em the first to rhyme cris poppin with wristwatches? no. plus, I got like thirty something syllable rhymes in a twenty bar verse and you get stuck on like three/four rhymes? c'mon man.

I don't ever wanna rhyme like someone else, that's not at all what I'm going for here. I wanna rhyme like me. if you check every post I've put one here every concept is different. so I don't think my creativity can come into question.

I don't feel i borrowed the concept, well of course it's a borrowed concept everyone writes verses about the decline in hiphop. I seen a few on here before, i got several verses adressing that issue.

if we can put that aside for now, how do you feel about the first verse 'zookah? it'd be nice if you could gimme a thorough breakdown of the positives like the one you did on the negatives.

and did you get the kids in the hall punch?

Long story short. I wasn´t commenting on the first verse. my feedback was regarding the second part of your verse.

And that´s about it as far as my say on the second part of the verse.


Now here´s some general sediments and comments of mine, on lyrics and rhyming in general.

To address topics that´s been addressed before is coo. Ever heard "there´s nothing new under the sun" ?

Basically, in one form or another. Pretty much anything that you can think of have at some point in time been said before. In a different manner with a different wording.

And when I say that I mean in ANY form. Be that poetry, like shakespear, lyrics, books, songs, whatever. ya digg?

But it´s about being original and creative with HOW you say what you say.
And how you write and structure ya shit.


I couldn´t fit this whole thing in one post. so I´ll continue this in the post below.

You offered this comment:

"what's generic is talking guns gats drugs crack funds stack. that's what i feel is generic."

Not necessarily. Like I said, to find a topic or concept that has never ever been touched upon in the slightest, in some kinda way. Is unlikely, or at least very rare.
But if you take a common theme, topic etc. And add your own creativity, style and voice to it. And if you´re original in how you flip it. And do it skillfully, then THAT´S good writing.

And I´m not sayig that you never had a fairly original concept in your verses on here,
I read some of them. And some were half decent like I said earlier.

A general tip for you. As far as lyricism, to stack a bunch of big words on top of eachother. And then cramming as many of them as possible into your paragraphs.
Isn´t always good or deep lyricism. It´s very much about CONTEXT.

It´s all about HOW you connect the words. That´s what makes the difference between just spittin a buncha words that doesn´t amount to a whole lot, and being dope and on point.
Otherwise you´ll just end up saying alot, without saying alot. Ya digg?

The simplicity of the words doesn´t make it a lesser verse. As long as they´re used accurately within the context of what you wanna say. That´s what you call being on point.
One of the main things, and most essential parts of a verse is your context and what you say in between the words that connect the rhyme.
That´s what determines whether the lyrics are nice or not.

And here goes a breakdown of the first part of the verse:

First off, the title: "Trying to bring it". It screams of lack of confidence and insecurity.
I´m only speakin in general terms describing what the title implies.
I´m not saying that was your mindset when you wrote the verse.
It´s like you´re saying, I can´t really bring it, but I´m trying to.


"I think I see an ocean of showboats in town
straight up, there's a lot of homos around
bunch of hobos talking low-lows, fo-fos and pounds
but in reality thye're juggling balls like bozo the clown"

Last line, a very played concept. It´s been used to death in various forms. Not fresh at all or even an ok line.

I don´t know that hobos talk alot about fo-fos and pounds?
If the did, they prolly wouldn´t be hobos.
Also in this context, "hobos" is a wierd choice of words.
And you need to elaborate or break it down.
Spruce up the wording and the set ups.
And add a li´l more flava to make it more interesting.

Just an example:

Rollin down tha ave, I see a lotta showboats in town.
It´s like a gay parade, how these homos get down.
Buncha wierdos and mofos, talkin about how "they down"
They just runners on consignment, pitchin that pound.
Bitch made scrubs. Get hushed! Don´t make a sound!
Just get down, or lay down! Or get crushed, like coffey grounds!


"I owe no apologies to the mofos around,
oh no, I show no lyrical limitation my flow knows no bounds"

Naah this is pretty weak not saying much and the wording isn´t very original or colorful/ fly.

"..ya mane used to be Def, they just So So now,
too concerned with brand names and logos now
too concerned with broads and making hoes go down
wearing canary yellow rings and rosegold now"

This was aigh, so-so. not too impressive. It needs more energy to propel the verse forward.


"too many little celebs snorting boatloads now
letting their little pussy show in the photos now
little kids think it's ok to act loco now
and little chicks hopping dicks instead of pogos now"

Ehh, this could of been set up way better and a better wording wouldn´t
go amiss.


"ignorant rappers got the game in a chokehold now
but I'll run these tracks til my heart explodes like flo-jos now"

Ok bars. The wording´s fukken the flow up in the second line tho.
If you leave out the "but" it´ll make it tighter.

"ignorant rappers got the game in a chokehold now.
I'll run these tracks til my heart explodes like flo-jos now"


"too many yes men make rap a no-no now
got a young dude feeling like he old folk now"

Makin rap a no-no? NO. I´da said:

Too many yes men. turnin´rap into a broadway show now.
Too many dick riders. Haters n´ punks, fakin they flows now!
N´ fakin the funk! chipendale style. Frontin like some hoes now!
It´s 2009. N´ that´s how it goes now!

Overall, naah. It´s not hittin that hard ya digg.
Better than some on whoa, but then again, the standard isn´t very high as far as drops in english on here.
I´ve seen you drop better verses. Just keep at it, consider the pointers I gave you.
stay up and at it and you´ll improve.
Peace.

So... in short: can't nobody write a verse like you.

I appreciate you took the time to break it down. I can handle constructive criticism. Every word i put in my verse so i gotta say that your examples broke the rhyme scheme and wasn't really something i'd say. And just think about the words i use and the context their used in. Like using ocean & showboat, straight up & homos. I'm not sayin it's the hottest shit on the planet but still, at least it's more than most would do.

I know you keep sayin that your not hating. Kinda sounds like your hating though, zookah, i'm just saying.

One.

Take it how you wanna. You asked me to give you feedback on your verse and I did.

And If I wanted to hate on you, I wouldn´t take the time to break things down to you.

See it for what it is and elevate.

Tråd satt som veckans guldkorn :)

Tycker veckans guldkorn har väldigt konstiga tidskriterier,
den här är 10 dagar gammal, för nån vecka sen fick jag veckans guldkorn för en månadsgammal text osv

App du får ju se det positivt, nu har vi fortfarande chansen att få veckans guldkorn nästa vecka, trots att det var denna veckan vi förtjänade det... ;-)

Inget hat på Soul dock, texten är fet och allt zookah påstår är befängt. Har lite svårt för "rimma sista ordet om och om igen"-grejen, men du gör det bra.

App> Ibland kommer saker i vägen vid sidan av whoa helt enkelt. Har inget med kriterier att göra. Vi vill bara uppmärksamma bra grejer. Bättre sent än aldrig :)

Yes! äntligen veckans guldkorn. som jag har väntat....

känner mig hedrad.

Bra text! Bazookahjoe skriver som en död sälunge, så lyssna inte på honom. Läs en text som han lagt upp så förstår du vad jag menar.

Tungt iaf!

Överfet text.. Första versen var riktigt bra.

Ank & stukad

real recognize real.

överfett

It lives... :)

<----- är mäkta imponerad :) Jag tycker den va riktigt nice, hur du klämmer in 6 flerstaviga i 2 bars and it still makes sense. Fett helt enkelt, peace!

Jung & detested

kul att få lite uppskattning såhär typ 3månader sedan man la upp nåt. Peace.

gryyyyyyyyyymt jävla fett : P


instämmer att det är lite stuk på eminem där på andra, men satan så bra andra versen är ;P

dmat

tack, tack. man gör vad man kan. och prata inte för högt om att det är em sjuk på versen. pallar inte mer diskussioner. :)
peace.

Cfgggg

... fuck does that mean? :-$

Haha grymma grejer...

"it's awful... our kids locked in
to a bunch of ripoffs that skipped college
the kids in the hall instead of class like it's august
cus they think it's C-double O-L to diss knowledge
they still hustling, they just switched product
so how the fuck could they be expected to spit knowledge
it’s just lean with it, rock with it, I try it and get nauseous
and think no wonder heads are hell bent on proving pac lives…"

That shit was sick! Fy fan vad jag skrattade när jag läste sista raden, den summerade hela build-upen så jävla bra...

Big up!

Tack, pigeon. alltid kul att få en big up från någon man respekterar textmässigt.

peace.

Jag gillade första versen. Den talade till mig mer än andra versen, och det förmodligen för att jag inte kan relatera lika mycket till den andra versen. Vem som helst, hiphopare eller inte, skulle kunna hålla med det som sägs i första.
I enjoyed it all though. Thanks! Trevligt med en refräng också. Not bad at all.

Wanna.

tack tack. fina ord det där om att alla kan relatera till första versen. det betyder mycket.

Wanna.

tack tack. fina ord det där om att alla kan relatera till första versen. det betyder mycket.

haha vilken jävla diskussion.

Socials

tell me about it. :-)

inga kommentarer om texten?

jag vet inte vad jag kan bidra med. jag tycker att såna här texter gör sig bättre över ett beat. men jag tyckte mest om den inledande raden. ur ett poetiskt och retoriskt perspektiv.

nice. I'm all for rhetoric and poetry. ;-)