My loveletter to earth
Im thinking suicid.
Im thinking death.
If life should contain broken heart over and over again I don’t want to be a part of the future history any more. I sometimes wish I were never born. Life has already giving me the deadly taste of blood. And I didn’t enjoy it. Although I am grateful. I got the best friend. She is worth gold. She really is. And she is the gravity keeping me to earth a minute longer every second she breaths. She is the proof that a human can love. She is my own target for love. If the rain down my cheeks falls continually I won’t search for a reason to be happy again. I know now there is none. The only reason you can walk, breath and see is for you to bring the world further and further in to the future. Isn’t it a blast? Your meaning in life is to help another hero to be born. Maybe you will be the one to raise him. Maybe you are just another spot living to serve everybody else’s mind.
I know how to love, I’ve been there too. Whether you believe it or not I did love you. With all my heart. You took it all with you when you left. Now there is nothing left of that me today.
How am I suppose to love as somebody else?
Against all odds I do. And that hurts. Because every minute of loving her I get a little bit more scared that she will take the last pieces of my heart. Over and over again I keep telling myself she’s my friend. But still the fear haunts my world each second I take a breath.
Nothing can part us. So we said a million times to the whole world.
A moment with her makes everything look a little bit more beautiful. I don’t want to leave her alone in this mad world. We jump together. I can wait with a small smile resting in my heart.
From time to time I do smile. I smile with all the pieces of my heart. Often this is because of her. Seldom is it because of somebody else, but when it is, God crosses his fingers and swear, this time she can be happy for the rest of her life. I can live with that. I know I’m not the only one, and there will be millions and billions after me.
Don’t trust me. I don’t know the meaning of truth. And I don’t want to learn.
Why should I be honest when nobody else is?
Why should I tell everybody the truth when nobody else is telling me the whole truth?
I bet you don’t have the answers of all my questions. Not a single one of them.
Have you ever been perfectly good a whole day? Have you walked a whole mile not thinking anything bad about anything? Have you if just for a day been perfect?
The biggest question is; have you ever tried to?
I can’t teach anyone how to live. I don’t know how to myself.
I guess I haven’t even tried hard enough to breath correctly.
I write in another language because I can’t even speak my own good enough to let my thoughts get a worthy explaining. I don’t know any language that can. Do you?
I’ve tried. I’ve tried all that. But I have failed twice as many times as I tried.
Will it ever be right? No. It not supposed to.
The little voice in my head telling me not to cry will eventually kill me. I want to cry.
I need to .
Finally I promise to be a better person. A better loving person.
I will never let you down again. But we both know that not even suicide can make that sentence a true word. Maybe I lied the whole letter trough. You will never know.
Remember I love, loved and will love.
This could be my goodbye letter, but it’s not. It’s the world and the very reality we live in.